Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
March 27, 2019
"Relationship" is a dull term for something so interesting. Try "link-flash" instead. Rather than calling people your "friend" or "partner," call them your "accomplice," your "freestyle," or your "lightning."
Boring terms like "significant other," "boyfriend," "girlfriend," & "spouse" could be retired, too. Try "lushbuddy," "heartbeat," or "jelly roll."
Feel free to coin your own surgecrafts and questbursts.
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It's a free country. You're free to desecrate nature and live without any thought for our descendants and forever and adamantly believe every borrowed idea that settled into your head when you were coming of age.
You're free to scarf down pesticide-laden junk food and memorize Ford truck jingles and vote for old white straight male millionaires.
On the other hand, you're also free to go on jubilant picnics in the wilderness using sustainable dishware and cleaning up after yourself.
You're free to formulate a master plan to achieve your own precious dreams in ways that will also serve our fellow humans and bestow blessings on our descendants.
You're free to radically revise your philosophy of life every once in a while to account for the ever-changing contours of your own destiny and the ever-evolving urgencies of our shared culture and history.
You're free—FREE!!!!—to care dearly about what foods you put in your body and regard advertising as a form of propagandistic brainwashing and do your part to increase the representation of women in political office to at least fifty percent.
I bring these thoughts to your attention because i'd love to encourage you to become a connoisseur of freedom and a master of the art of liberation. I'm hoping to kick your butt a bit even as I pique your excitement about a full range of emancipatory possibilities.
Hypothesis: to serve your ambitions most effectively, be more motivated by the desire to give your gifts and express your love than by the push to do your duty or the lust to attract approval or the hop to win money and prizes.
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MY DAUGHTER AND I ON THE SAME PODCAST
For the first time, my daughter Zoe Brezsny and I both appear on the same podcast. The show is "Plaster Cramp," an experimental archive of readings, descriptions, sounds, & other aural ephemera for the vision and reading impaired, created by Maliea Croy.
In this show, I do my spoken-word piece "Re-Genius Yourself," and Zoe does two pieces: “Light Beams for the Sky of a Transfer Corridor” and “See You in the Next World.”
Listen here: tinyurl.com/yy87quer
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OTHER RELIGIONS TO CHOOSE FROM
There are a lot of other religions to choose from besides the giant fundamentalist cults that dominate the mass media's attention. On of my favorites is Discordianism. Here's a sampling of Discordian tenets.
1. Everyone is a saint, especially you.
2. Meditation consists primarily of cruising around looking for good luck.
3. Eating hot dog buns is prohibited, except on Friday, when it's compulsory.
4. When you're stuck in a rut, you must speak in tongues, handle snakes, and experience phantasmagoria.
5. Your guardian angel loves you better when your room is a mess.
6. Bowling alleys are sacred; you must protect them from desecration.
7. The Goddess will solve all your problems if you solve all hers.
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I propose we revive an archaic English word, "museful." Hundreds of years ago, it simply meant meditative, pensive, or thoughtful. Let's expand its definition to be "full of the presence and inspiration of the muse."
P.S. Who is your muse or who are your muses? Provide an image or sound.
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MORE PRONOIA RESOURCES:
For more about the good news stories below, plus links to the articles that provide full evidence, go here: tinyurl.com/ya8kb4rh
1. Youth crime in the Australian state of New South Wales has plummeted in the last 20 years. Vehicle theft is down by 59%, property theft by 59%, and drunk-driving by 49%.
2. In the last generation, arrests of Californian teenagers have fallen by 80%, murder arrests by 85%, gun killings by 75%, imprisonments by 88%, teen births by 75%, school dropouts by half, and college enrollments are up by 45%.
3. According to new data from the Department of Justice, the proportion of people being sent to prison in the United States has fallen to its lowest level in 20 years.
4. Thanks to shifting tastes amongst those born after 1980, 70% of the world’s population is reducing meat consumption or leaving meat off the table altogether.
5. Germany announced one of the most ambitious waste management schemes in history. The government plans to recycle 63% of its total waste within the next four years, up from 36% today.
6. The Malaysian government announced it would not allow any further expansion of oil palm plantations, and that it intends to maintain forest cover at 50%.
7. Denmark became the latest country to announce a ban on internal combustion engines. There are now 16 countries with bans that come into effect before 2040—including China and India, the two biggest car markets in the world.
8. In 2018, the world surpassed the four million mark for electric vehicles. In the world’s biggest car market, China, electric cars reached 5% of sales; China’s internal combustion car market is flat, with all growth now being absorbed by EVs.
9. Adidas sold five million pairs of shoes made from ocean plastic in 2018, and is committed to using only recycled plastic in its products by 2024.
10. Four years ago, China declared a war on pollution. It’s working. Cities have, on average, cut concentrations of fine particulates in the air by 32%.
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They aren’t advertisements, and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES: Truthrooster@gmail.com.
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning March 28
Copyright 2019 by Rob Brezsny
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Kermit the Frog from Sesame Street is the world's most famous puppet. He has recorded songs, starred in films and TV shows, and written an autobiography. His image has appeared on postage stamps and he has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Kermit's beginnings were humble, however. When his creator Jim Henson first assembled him, he consisted of Henson's mom's green coat and two halves of a white ping pong ball. I mention this, Aries, because the current astrological omens suggest that you, too, could make a puppet that will one day have great influence. APRIL FOOL! I half-lied. Here's the whole truth: now isn't a favorable time to start work on a magnificent puppet. But it is a perfect moment to launch the rough beginnings of a project that's well-suited for your unique talents.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Taurus businessman Chuck Feeney made a huge fortune as the entrepreneur who co-developed duty-free shopping. But at age 87, he lives frugally, having given away $8 billion to philanthropic causes. He doesn't even own a house or car. In accordance with astrological omens, I invite you to follow his lead in the coming weeks. Be unreasonably generous and exorbitantly helpful. APRIL FOOL! I exaggerated a bit. While it's true that now is an extra favorable time to bestow blessings on everyone, you shouldn't go overboard. Make sure your giving is artful, not careless or compulsive.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Now is a perfect time to start learning the Inuktitut language spoken by the indigenous people of Eastern Canada. Here are some key phrases to get you underway. 1. UllusiuKattagit inosek: Celebrate your life! 2. Pitsialagigavit, piggogutivagit!: Because you're doing amazing things, I'm proud of you! 3. Nalligijauvutit: You are loved! 4. Kajusitsiatuinnagit: Keep it up! APRIL FOOL! I lied. Now isn't really a better time than any other to learn the Inuktitut language. But it is an important time to talk to yourself using phrases like those I mentioned. You need to be extra kind and super positive toward yourself.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
When he was twenty years old, Greek military leader Alexander the Great began to conquer the world. By age 30, he ruled the vast territory between Greece and northwest India. Never shy about extolling his own glory, he named 70 cities after himself. I offer his example as a model for you. Now is a favorable time to name clouds after yourself, as well as groves of trees, stretches of highway, buses, fire hydrants, parking spaces, and rocks. APRIL FOOL. I got a bit carried away. It's true that now is a good time to assert your authority, extend your clout, and put your unique stamp on every situation. But I don't recommend that you name entire cities after yourself.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Now is an excellent time to join an exotic religion. How about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which believes that true spiritual devotion requires an appreciation of satire? Or how about Discordianism, which worships the goddess of chaos and disorder? Then there's the United Church of Bacon, whose members exult in the flavor of their favorite food. (Here's a list of more: tinyurl.com/WeirdReligions.) APRIL FOOL! I wasn't entirely truthful. It's accurate to say that now is a great time to reinvigorate and transform your spiritual practice. But it's better if you figure that out by yourself. There's no need to get your ideas from a bizarre cult.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
Studies show that people who love grilled cheese sandwiches engage in more sexual escapades than those who don't gorge on grilled cheese sandwiches. So I advise you to eat a lot of grilled cheese sandwiches, because then you will have more sex than usual. And that's important, because you are now in a phase when you will reap huge healing benefits from having as much sex as possible. APRIL FOOL! I lied when I implied that eating more grilled cheese sandwiches would motivate you to have more sex. But I wasn't lying when I said that you should have more sex than usual. And I wasn’t lying when I said you will reap huge benefits from having as much sex as possible. (P.S. If you don't have a partner, have sex with your fantasies or yourself.)
MAYBE JOY AND PLEASURE ARE ESSENTIAL SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES
Assume that your drive to experience pleasure and happiness isn't a barrier to your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. Proceed on the hypothesis that cultivating joy can make you a more ethical and compassionate person. Imagine that feeling good has something important to teach you every day.
For inspiration in practicing this approach, tune in to your EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES. They're four-to-five-minute meditations on the current state of your destiny.
To listen to your Expanded Audio Horoscope online, go to freewillastrology.sparkns.com
Register and/or log in through the main page.
The cost is $6 per sign. (Discounts are available for bulk purchases.)
You can also access them for $1.99 per minute by phone. to do so, call 1-877-873-4888.
"Your audio horoscopes help me love myself better, and I mean that in a non-narcissistic way."
-Deva P., Indianapolis
"I'm really grateful for the way you pick up my telepathic requests and answer them in your expanded audio 'scopes!"
-Marion H., Birmingham, AL
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
If you ever spend time at the McMurdo Station in Antarctica, you'll get a chance to become a member of the 300 Club. To be eligible, you wait till the temperature outside drops to minus 100 degrees Fahrenheit. When it does, you spend 20 minutes in a sauna heated to 200 degrees. Then you exit into the snow and ice wearing nothing but white rubber boots, and run a few hundred feet to a ceremonial pole and back. In so doing, you expose your naked body to a swing of 300 degrees. According to my astrological analysis, now is an ideal time to pull off this feat. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I'm not really urging you to join the 300 Club. On the other hand, I do think it's a favorable phase to go to extremes for an authentically good cause.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Scientific research shows that if you arrange to get bitten by thousands of mosquitoes in a relatively short time, you make yourself immune. Forever after, mosquito bites won't itch you. Now would be an excellent time for you to launch such a project. APRIL FOOL! I lied. I don't really think you should do that. On the contrary. You should scrupulously avoid irritations and aggravations, especially little ones. Instead, immerse yourself in comfort and ease. Be as free from vexation as you have ever been!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
If allowed to do what comes naturally, two rabbits and their immediate descendants will produce 1,300 new rabbits in twelve months' time. In five years, their offspring would amount to 94 million. I suspect that you will approach this level of fertility in the next four weeks, at least in a metaphorical sense. APRIL FOOL! I stretched the truth a bit. There's no way you will produce more than a hundred good new ideas and productions and gifts. At the most, you'll generate a mere 50.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
The weather is warm year-round and the crime rate is low on Pitcairn, a remote South Pacific island that is a 30-hour boat ride away from the nearest airport. The population has been dwindling in recent years, however, which is why the government offers foreigners free land if they choose to relocate. You might want to consider taking advantage of this opportunity. APRIL FOOL! I was exaggerating. It's true that you could get major health benefits by taking a sabbatical from civilization. But there's no need to be so drastic about it.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
You don't have to run faster than the bear that's chasing you. You just have to run faster than the slowest person the bear is chasing. OK? So don't worry! APRIL FOOL! What I just said wasn't your real horoscope. I hope you know me well enough to understand that I would NEVER advise you to save your own ass by betraying or sacrificing someone else. It's also important to note that the bear I mentioned is entirely metaphorical in nature. So please ignore what I said earlier. However, I do want you to know that there are effective ways to elude the symbolic bear that are also honorable. To discover them, meditate on calming down the beastly bear-like qualities in yourself.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
Now is a favorable time to disguise yourself as a bland nerd with no vivid qualities, or a shy wallflower with no strong opinions, or a polite wimp who prefers to avoid adventure. Please don't even consider doing anything that's too interesting or controversial. APRIL FOOL! I lied. The truth is, I hope you'll do the opposite of what I suggested. I think it's time to express your deep authentic self with aggressive clarity. Be brave and candid and enterprising.
What's the best joke or prank you could play on yourself? FreeWillAstrology.com.
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Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright 2019 Rob Brezsny