Rob Brezsny's Astrology Newsletter
FEBRUARY 13, 2008
FreeWillAstrology.com
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"What concerns me is not the way things are, but rather
the way people think things are."
- Epictetus
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My book
"PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR
PARANOIA:
How the Whole World Is Conspiring
to Shower You with Blessings"
is available for sale at
tinyurl.com/qaj62
Here's some stuff that didn't quite make it into the book.
ELATIONSHIP LOVE SPELLS FOR BEAUTY AND TRUTH RESEARCHERS
Are you in quest of an Intimate Ally or a Soul Friend? A Wild
Confidante or a F*** Buddy? A Secret Sharer who'll listen better
than anyone ever or an Amazing Accomplice with whom you can practice
the Art of Liberation? Try these Elationship Love Spells, scientifically
formulated by the Beauty and Truth Lab's top exhilarationists.
1. While standing in a mud puddle and hugging yourself, dissolve
a four-leaf clover on your tongue and visualize yourself riding
piggyback on an unpredictable yet trustworthy playmate.
2. Draw a picture of copulating hummingbirds on a dollar bill
and then tape it to a road sign on a street with a sexy name.
3. Using green food dye, write your initials and those of your
beloved on a cake, then bury it in the woods along with your favorite
book from childhood.
4. Watch cloud formations until you spy one that looks like mating
horses, then blow a giant kiss in that direction.
5. Become a great listener. Cultivate in yourself the exact qualities
you're so attracted to in others. Determine your chosen one's
most important goal and figure out how you can help achieve it.
6. Prick a fig with a pin 13 times as you murmur the words "sex
laugh," then sleep with the fig under your left armpit.
7. Forget all about trying to glom on to your perfect mate and
instead make yourself into a perfect mate.
8. Kiss a roll of caps that you bought in the toy section of
the drug store, then say this prayer aloud: "Dear Goddess:
Show me how to use one of my imperfections to arouse and amuse."
9. Chugalug a glass of fermented pomegranate juice as you shout
out the following magic mantra, first as it's written, then backwards.
"Evol dliw rof yticapac ym gnidnapxe won era dereffus sah
traeh ym sdnuow eht lla."
10. Steal these ads! The personal ads below have been designed
by the Beauty and Truth Lab's exhilarationists to attract allies
who are committed to the art of compassionate lust and orgiastic
compassion. If you're a SBM or a DWF or a WWW or an SAM or any
other acronym who aspires to put the elation back in relationship,
you're invited to plagiarize these for your own use.
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BEAUTIFUL TRUTH-TELLERS SEEKING WILD COMPASSION ARTISTS
______________________________________________________
LET'S INCITE THE ELATION IN RELATIONSHIP
Me: the soul of a musician, the stamina of a long-distance runner,
and the psychological expertise of a veterinarian. You: the body
of a feral kickboxer, the eyes of a jet pilot, and the holder
of a Ph.D. in Ingenious Love. In matters of the heart, you always
know exactly when to sweat and when to cry. You like to play in
the sandbox as much as you enjoy working in the trenches -- and
you don't mind getting dirty. Send me a photo of yourself jumping
for joy, and I'll make a home delivery of my spiciest soul food.
______________________________________________________
SUCK MY BEAUTY AND TRUTH
Are you a stable, down-to-earth romantic who enjoys holding hands
while browsing through shopping malls? If so, please forget you
ever read this. I'm on the lookout for a leather-clad cupid who
loves to disturb the neighbors. Or a cherub-faced rebel who's
into mental shortcuts. Or something like that. Let's put it this
way: Are you capable of feeling sexy while wearing the clothes
you like least? If so, I want you to suck my beauty and truth
while singing back-up harmonies to the music of the spheres. Or
massage my wild compassion while interpreting the omens in my
lucid dreams. Or something like that. P.S.: I smashed my TV because
it was an unsatisfying companion. Can I come over and watch yours?
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POLYAMOROUS MONOGAMY
You might say I'm catagoraphobic. I hate getting stuffed into
pigeonholes. I run the other way when people try to tell me who
I am. So don't try to figure me out. Just enjoy me. Or maybe I
should say just enjoy us. There are so many different facets to
my personality that monogamy with me will feel like a promiscuous
feast to you. I'm a socialist libertarian and a conservative anarchist.
I'm an atheistic lover of many gods, a sophisticate with toys
in my bathtub, and a genuine evil twin who loves to perform missions
of mercy. Always both and yet neither. In other words, if you
think a hundred words can describe me adequately, you obviously
need a more superficial lover with a brain far emptier than mine.
Think you can keep up? Then let the experiments begin. I'll be
your wild-eyed, smart-mouthed, spread-eagled muse if you'll be
mine.
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ORGASMS TO SAVE THE WORLD
I have a vision of our first date: in which we dress up like corporate
executives and stand at a busy highway exit ramp giving away twenty-dollar
bills while holding a cardboard sign that reads "I love to
help; I need to give; please take some money." I foresee
us passing mash notes back and forth as we work side-by-side at
the suicide hotline, getting turned on as we breathe in each other's
death-defying pheromones and ride the inside-out exhilaration
of saving people's lives. I have a vision that one day our arms
will be brushing and our gaze meeting as we serve peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches and lentil stew to homeless folks at the
soup kitchen, and when it's all done we'll go home and spend the
rest of the night generating material for our collaborative book,
How To Make Love with Your Best Friend, which ultimately
earns us a million dollars that we donate to electing poor people
to political office.
______________________________________________________
ONLY EVERYTHING
I am impossible to live with...but then isn't everyone? I will
drive you crazy...but in the most interesting ways possible. You
don't want to get mixed up with me...unless you love to have every
one of your certainties challenged and unless you get horny in
the face of unimaginable adventures and unless you're ready to
never be bored again.
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PERFECTLY IMPERFECT
Do you have a dancer's body, a writer's mind, an artist's hands,
and an underwear model's face? If so, you're probably too slick
for me. I'm a down-to-earth magician who loves gritty reality
far more than glittery fantasies. Like the skilled Japanese pottery-makers
whose work is valued for its trademark blemishes, I thrive on
life's imperfections. I'll love you for who you are, not who you
might be someday.
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SEX BETWEEN FRIENDS
James Thurber once said of a ruined relationship, "Our love
never ripened into friendship." But I promise you no one'll
ever say that about me and you. I'm not just a flirtatious seducer
lusting after your sex, sweetheart; I'm a multifaceted companion
who wants to collaborate with every single one of your nooks and
crannies. My goal in life is to be addicted to kissing my best
buddy.
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DAZZLE NECTAR?
I have everything you want and more, honey, so what the hell are
you waiting for? Get your sweet ass over here and serenade me
in intricate detail about just what a gorgeous, radiant creature
I am. Knee pads will be provided, but keep in mind that I want
a smart worshiper, not a robotic slave. In return, of course,
I'll give you my heart of gold and an emotional life so rich you'll
think you're a millionaire.
______________________________________________________
I KNOW LOTS OF SHORT CUTS BUT HAVE A LONG ATTENTION SPAN
Tired of both boringly nice goodie-goodies and menacing lunatics
trying to pass off their pathologies as "sexy"? I'm
the happy medium, sweetheart: a crafty straddler of the mysterious
edge where yes and no overlap, where the difference between bad
and good just ain't that simple. Give me the chance to wow you
with my mastery of the contradictions. Let's drink in the twisted
lyrics of a heavy metal CD, then attend a New Age workshop on
how to commit random acts of kindness. I swear you're going to
thrive on my talent for balancing the whole crazy world on the
end of my wits.
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SUCCULENT BRAVEHEARTS UNITE!
Fire-breathing sensualist with voodoo-doll eyes and a talent for
walking on the water seeks a sinner who's at least half as silky
and slippery as me. I don't just want a lover, in other words,
I want a partner in crime -- preferably with no outstanding warrants
and an elegant collection of sex toys. Good table manners definitely
not important. My inner guru wants to get into the funnest possible
trouble with your inner guru.
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SECRET SHARER SEEKS AMAZING ACCOMPLICES
Don't love me just because I'm so attractive and smart. Love me
because I'm a resourceful worker in behalf of the things you and
I are most passionate about. Love me because I'm living proof
that a good plan and rugged determination beat flashy talent any
day. Love me because when all the dilettantes and fair-weather
companions have dropped out of the running, I'll still be there
doing whatever it takes to get you and me into the winner's circle.
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NURTURING MANIAC SEEKS SWEET HOWLER
I'm the one! Pick me for your mission impossible! I'm the one!
Pick me to help you storm the kingdom of heaven! Everybody's somebody's
fool; let me be yours! I have no shame and I want no limits! I
give till it hurts and if you're smart you'll let me teach you
how! So electrify me in a sanctuary! Amaze me in a labyrinth!
Undress me on an altar! Engorge me in a way station! And I'll
resurrect you wherever you want!
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DREAMING OF WILD HORSES
Me: a holy roller with dreamy eyes and steamy windows . . . a
humble hero who's built for comfort not for speed. You: a tough
and tender muse with all six senses in great working condition
. . . a quick changer with the softest underbelly I ever felt.
Are you ready to travel a million miles without ever leaving the
comfort of your own turf? I am. Let's go commiserate about our
childhood traumas over sweet Irish coffees. Let's pretend we're
Italian and get in a big fun boisterous fight that proves how
desperately we love each other forever.
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ROAD WARRIOR WITH BIG TOY COLLECTION
Future lottery winner and full-time thrill-seeker is hunting for
a big dreamer to share risky stunts and international scandal.
Let's hike the Yukon in our boxer shorts, or go hang-gliding in
Madagascar. Let's buy Slurpees at dawn and do cartwheels in the
parking lot with our shirttails untucked. I'm an angel-wrestlin',
magic carpet-ridin' lover of the impossible -- and I hope you
are too. Have you got your own toy chest? I never get enough playtime.
______________________________________________________
PERSONAL GROWTH ADDICTS SUPPORT GROUP
Disgruntled postal employee seeks zombie love slave or lonely
bank teller to share erotic fantasies about IRS audits and root
canals. Just kidding. That's my sense of humor. You like? Seriously,
sweetheart, this high IQ space case is looking for a gorgeous
alien life-form for exotic forms of togetherness like taking long
walks on the astral plane, listening to self-help tapes by candle
light, and having nutty conversations in which we don't know what
we're talking about half the time. Do you have more money than
me and act like a character in a Tom Robbins' novel? Then e-mail
me a love letter a.s.a.p. A plus if you grok the difference between
the Greys and the Pleiadians.
______________________________________________________
SACRED AGENT SEEKING FREAKY CONSORT
How can I even begin to describe myself? I guess you could say
I'm a skilled mood-swinger who likes to wing it whenever possible.
On the other hand, you could say I'm an entertaining game-player
with more life-saving tricks than a rodeo clown. But frankly,
my dear, I don't want to be pinned down to a particular identity
at this moment in time. Just let me say that if you're a supple,
ticklish, voracious, mouthy, casual, reflective, bubbly, zonked
virtuoso -- who also happens to be a damn good listener -- then
you're a good candidate to bask in the glow of my well-hung mind
and voluptuous wit. Had any friendly sex lately? Had any sexy
friendships?
______________________________________________________
MODERN FAIRY TALE WITH LUCRATIVE MARKETING POTENTIAL
Quick, sweetheart! Cast a love spell on yourself! Open your eyes
to the gorgeous truth of my power as a sexual healer! You don't
have to get down on your knees, though. I accept worship in any
posture. You can sing my praises while standing on your head for
all I care -- although I prefer it if you do it while sitting
in my luscious lap. Seriously, joy bucket, the sooner you realize
I'm the most magical creature you've ever been electrified by,
the sooner I can help you become the person you've always wanted
to be. After I steal your heart, baby, you can use it any time
you want.
______________________________________________________
WE'LL BREAK THE RULES SO WE CAN MAKE SOME NEW ONES
I'm a ravishing ex-adult who's wisely regressed to a divine form
of adolescence. You're a reformed smart-ass who's declared a truce
with your evil twin. Together we could build new bridges twice
as fast as we burn the old ones down. You know I'm always willing
to be talked into doing things I wouldn't normally do -- and I
trust you're the same. Come see me. I'll be sitting on the post
office steps with a toy sheriff's badge on my lapel and a rose
between my teeth. Bring warm clothes, a picnic lunch, and a flaming
red attitude.
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To read news and features from my book, go here: tinyurl.com/lhwx2
You can buy the book here:
AMAZON
tinyurl.com/qaj62
POWELLS
tinyurl.com/3dsx6q
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OTHER PRONOIA RESOURCES:
YOU HAVE MORE POWER TO CHANGE THINGS THAN YOU REALIZE
Teach your brain to stretch time
tinyurl.com/ys9f5p
NEWS OF ANOTHER GREAT CREATION
Rocks carved by the wind
tinyurl.com/2torbm
WAKE UP LAUGHING
Swami Beyondananda's 2008 State of the Universe Address
tinyurl.com/fd58o
wakeuplaughing.com
ENLIGHTENMENT ISN'T AS HARD AS IT SEEMS
Ten Guidelines to Enlightenment
tinyurl.com/3c9q9g
(Note: I endorse these because I like them. They are not advertisements,
and I get no kickbacks.)
Please tell me your own personal
nominations for PRONOIA RESOURCES.
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FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning February 14
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
FreeWillAstrology.com
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Happy Valentine Daze, Aquarius! Want to make your love life better?
Then purify your motivations for seeking love. For at least three
weeks, be impossibly honest and noble and righteous in your dealings
with intimate allies. You might even consider approaching romance
with the same reverence a monk summons in his spiritual quest
for divine communion. Fast, pray, meditate, dance holy dances,
wander into the wilderness and cry out for a vision -- all in
the name of deepening your capacity for the transformative power
of human relationships.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):
Happy Valentine Daze, Pisces! Here are the words of wisdom I
think will be most useful as you shape the future of collaboration
and togetherness. They come to you courtesy of writer Marnie Reed
Crowell. "To keep a fire burning brightly," she says,
"Keep the two logs together, near enough to keep each other
warm and far enough apart -- about a finger's breadth -- for breathing
room. Good fire, good marriage, same rule." Even if you're
not married and don't plan to be anytime soon, this is an excellent
guideline for any intimate connection you want to see thrive in
2008. Cultivate spacious closeness.
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Happy Valentine Daze, Aries! After meditating about what advice
would be most useful for your love life during the rest of 2008,
I decided on this observation from 17th-century philosopher Sir
Francis Bacon: "There is no excellent beauty that hath not
some strangeness in the proportion." In other words, you
should raise your appreciation for interesting idiosyncrasies
and cute "flaws" and odd proportions. They are not inconvenient
imperfections that mar the beauty you need in your life. They
are the very essence of it.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Happy Valentine Daze, Taurus! After extensive meditation about
what advice would be most useful for your love life in the coming
months, I decided on this observation from the Dutch priest and
writer Henri Nouwen: "Your body needs to be held and to hold,
to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised,
denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your
body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you
are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love,
you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration
and unity."
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EXPLORING YOUR LONG-RANGE FUTURE
Would you like some inspiration as you muse and wonder about
your upcoming adventures in 2008?
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations
of your destiny in 2008. Each report in the three-part series
is about 6-8 minutes long.
Go to RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES
A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both
on the Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.
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GEMINI (May 21-June 20):
Happy Valentine Daze, Gemini! During my search for the spark
that would be most likely to energize your love life, I found
this dose of truth from novelist Tom Robbins: "We waste time
looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect
love." I hope that quote inspires you to shed any tendency
you might have to wait for the ideal romantic situation to find
its way to you. Instead, establish a habit of visualizing in precise
detail the kind of love you want to give and receive. Then work
on patiently materializing it.
CANCER (June 21-July 22):
Here's my Valentine message for you, Cancerian: The sea inside
of you is not just at high tide, it's at the highest tide possible
-- like what happens when the moon is full at the same time that
it's at its closest approach to Earth. To intensify the drama,
the sea inside of you is stormy, with torrential rains pouring
down from the heaven inside of you as winds bluster and lightning
cracks. There are even water spouts rising up now and then. Yet
from my perspective, it's all gorgeous and majestic, a marvelous
spectacle worthy of celebration. And since I'm confident no harm
will come to you during this elemental interlude, I advise you
to just enjoy the ride.
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):
Scholar Suzanne Juhasz says that Emily Dickinson's eroticism
"inflects and charges" most of her poems. "Erotic
desire -- sensuous, nuanced, flagrant, extreme, outlandish, and
profound -- is her way of interacting with the world." From
an astrological perspective, it would make perfect sense if you
experimented with a similar predilection in the coming days, Leo.
During the superheated grace period you'll be enjoying, interesting
things are likely to happen if you basically make love to the
whole world. The urge to merge shouldn't just be the icing on
the cake. It should be the icing, the cake, the plate it's on,
your eating of the cake, your feeding of the cake to others, and
all the stories you tell about your encounter with the cake. Happy
Valentine Daze, Leo!
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):
"The Eskimos had 52 names for snow because it was important
to them," wrote novelist Margaret Atwood. "There ought
to be as many for love." Your assignment, should you choose
to accept it, is to coin at least nine of those 52 new names between
now and January 1, 2009. Of course that means you will have to
discover or create nine alternate states of love that have previously
been unnamed. And to do that, you'll have to put aside your habitual
expectations and standard definitions of what constitutes love
so that you can explore an amazing array of nuances, including
varieties you never imagined existed. Start now, Virgo. Happy
Valentine's Daze!
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LET'S IMAGINE WHAT BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES
MIGHT COME YOUR WAY IN 2008
What hidden factors will be massaging your destiny in 2008? Could
you use some hints about how to prepare for the adventures awaiting
you in the next 12 months?
You can still listen to my long-range, in-depth explorations
of your destiny in 2008. Each report in the three-part series
is about 6-8 minutes long.
Go to RealAstrology.com
for these EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES
A new short-range forecast for this week is also available, both
on the Web and at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):
Happy Valentine Daze, Libra! After strenuous meditation about
what advice would be most likely to energize your love life, I
decided on this edgy wisdom from writer Charles Caleb Colton:
"If you cannot inspire a woman with love of you, fill her
above the brim with love of herself; all that runs over will be
yours." (Substitute "man" for "woman"
and "him" for "her" if that makes the message
work best for you.)
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):
Happy Valentine Daze, Scorpio! After extensive meditation about
what advice would be most useful for your love life in the coming
months, I decided on this gentle rant from the South African poet
Shabbir Banoobhai: "Love is a mystery. And the reason why
it is a mystery and should remain a mystery is that knowledge
of it would give us mastery over it -- would enable us to manipulate
it -- and love, truth, God, cannot be manipulated. Hence the Prophet
exclaimed, 'My Lord, increase my bewilderment in Thee.'"
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):
After meditating on how to energize your love life this Valentine
season, I decided to encourage you to bring the spirits of sampling
and the mash-up into your relationship life. Sampling is what
happens when a musician openly lifts a riff out of an existing
song and inserts it into his or her own composition. In a mash-up,
a producer takes parts from two different songs to assemble a
new song that has elements of both originals but is an entirely
new creation. I encourage you to apply these approaches to your
collaborations with intimate allies. For example, "sample"
a close friend's favorite catchphrases or clothes, and use them
as your own. Or tell that person a story from his or her own past,
but recount it as if it happened to you. The two of you could
also write a journal entry together, taking turns spinning out
each new line. You might even switch roles for a day, trying out
what it actually feels like to be the other person.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
Happy Valentine Daze, Capricorn! The astrological omens suggest
that you should liberate your wild heart from its hiding place,
maybe even experiment with extravagant expressions of love. To
get yourself worked up into a proper state of fertile agitation,
read aloud from Pablo Neruda's book 100 Love Sonnets
(translated by Stephen Tapscott), starting with "Love Sonnet
XI": "I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair. Silent
and starving, I prowl through the streets. Bread does not nourish
me, dawn disrupts me, all day I hunt for the liquid measure of
your steps . . . [I] hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond . . . I want to eat
the fleeting shade of your lashes. And I pace around hungry, sniffing
the twilight, hunting for you, for your hot heart, like a puma
in the barrens . . . ."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
HOMEWORK:
Name something you could change about yourself that would enhance
your love life. Go to RealAstrology.com
and click on "Email Rob."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WANT TO GET YOUR CHART DONE?
I'm not doing personal charts, but I highly recommend my astrological
colleague, RO LOUGHRAN. Her approach closely matches my own. In
our many discussions about astrology over the years, we've had
a major influence on each other's work.
Ro utilizes a blend of well-trained
intuition, emotional warmth, and
a high
degree of technical proficiency
in horoscope interpretation; she
is skilled
at exploring the mysteries of your
life's purpose and nurturing your
connection with your own inner
wisdom.
Ro is based in California, but
can do phone consultations and
otherwise
work with you regardless of geographic
boundaries.
Ro's website is at YourSoulJourney.com
She can also be reached at roloughran@comcast.net
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Submissions sent to the Free
Will Astrology Weekly Newsletter
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Please be sure to note your preference
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submission of any creative
material.
Contents of the Free Will Astrology Newsletter are Copyright
2008 Rob Brezsny
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